Things you need to know (by cats)

We cats are magnificent creatures; thoughtful and wise philosophers; loving and adorable bundles of joy; honest yet complex; magical beings … and utterly humble.  People are more than just staff to us (honestly), and the time has come for you to undergo the next stage of your training.  To borrow a human phrase – we need to talk…

We chose you – not the other way around.  We let you think it was your choice to get this relationship off to an agreeable start.  Your ability to exercise free will diminish from hereon in.

We trained you – also not the other way around.  That’s why you feed us when we give ‘the look’, why you react slavishly to the headbutt, why you loyally open doors when told. If you are still displaying any hint of reluctance to carry out these tasks, please be aware that your training regime will increase in intensity.

It is completely our prerogative to stop liking that food you’ve just presented to us. Yes, we are aware you were under the impression we loved it.  Yes we are aware you bought more of it specially.  No, they were not indicators of ongoing enjoyment – lest you should lapse into complacency.

Staring into space is NOT staring into space.  It is crucial meditation and assimilation of the millions of senses we’ve taken in that day.  Fear not – it’s not a ghost.

Dressing us up in ‘hilarious / cute’ outfits is a no-no.  It’s humiliating and totally unnecessary – we’re the epitome of fluffy perfection just as we are, thank you very much.  This sort of behaviour is being noted and we will exact our revenge at a later date if you persist.

We are the best therapy you’ll ever have.  We listen without judging (ok, we do judge but we keep it to ourselves).  We let you talk without interrupting and we never poo-poo your feelings.  Without even trying, our very presence has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, relieve anxiety, ease depression, and reduce blood pressure. 

We’re here to help.  We ensure you don’t spend too much time on the computer by insisting on regular breaks (we achieve this by walking backwards and forwards on your keyboard, or positioning our gorgeous selves between you and the screen).  We make sure you get regular exercise (we achieve this by indicating we’re about to knock something valuable/useful/potentially messy off the surface you’ve put it on)

Whilst we agree that we are the very apex of watchable greatness, we’re a little confused why you choose to spend so much time watching our feline fraternity performing on a screen, when you could be worshipping us; your very own 3D fluffy version.

We share skills with you – crucial hunting/gathering skills to be clear.  You are very lucky that we do this for you as you appear to make no effort to do it yourself.  Your shrieks of excitement appear to suggest that you favour live / semi-live gifts so you can finish the kill yourself.  We’ve noticed that you release these gifts back outside when you’re feeling particularly playful and want us to do it again.

Yes, it is important that we follow you to the toilet every now again.  We do not feel the need to explain ourselves any further.

Delicious morsels of your food are fair game. Again, we do not feel the need to explain ourselves further on this matter.

Following on from the above point, if we decide that we fancy a raw mushroom, some strawberry yoghurt, or a nibble of dried mango, do not question us or judge us.  We all feel adventurous at times.  Just make sure we can’t get at the onions or garlic – we have no desire to keep vampires away, or to get the windy pants like you do (and they’re both poisonous to us 😳)

Catnip is good.  Better than chocolate.

We don’t appreciate human distractions; notably newspapers, books, and techie gadgets.  If you find us sitting on any of these items it’s a clear signal that you’re being frankly rude and must stop … immediately.

Cardboard boxes and carrier bags (particularly paper bags) are irresistible the cat-world over.  If you’re wanting to earn our utmost respect, bring us plenty of these.

There’s really no need to spend a fortune on toys for us.  String, elastic bands, hair ties, pens/pen lids, screwed up post it notes, toilet paper rolls – these are the things we love.  All the more so if we’re under the impression they’re contraband and we discovered them when you weren’t paying attention. 

Yes it needed scratching; it looks better this way.  And it saves you money buying one of those scratching post things too, it’ll only collect dust.

No two days are the same – some are 27.56 hours long, some go on for 34.2 hours, others can be just 17.4 hours.  It all depends on the way we chose to divide our day up.  There’s lots to cram in, you see; sleeping, eating, yoga & stretching, watching, sun-worshipping (not to be confused with sleep), meditating, sleeping, washing, supervising, sleeping, eating, playtime, sleeping. It’s a complicated business – we don’t expect you to understand.

Slow blinky eyes is how we say we love you.  Do slow blinky eyes to us, and we’ll do it right back.

Sometimes we purr when we’re stressed.  99% of the time our purrs are bubbly-rumbles of pure joy, but just be aware that very occasionally we’re trying to tell you something’s wrong.

Yes, it is important to lie in doorways.  What you didn’t see was that patch of sun here an hour or so ago.  It was important that I came to sit in it … then something happened and I woke up and there you were, muttering about having to step over me.

Nope, I didn’t trip you by accident.

Yes, it is essential that I sleep on those freshly ironed clothes.  One word – warm!

Second thoughts about buying toys – a ping pong ball and a red dot is essential.  We especially like pinging the pong ball around the house at breathtaking speed during the wee small hours of the morning … as noisily as possible.  

If you’re tempting us with toys so you can snap a photo of us looking adorable (and not showing how peeved those cameras really make us) then please don’t just walk away as soon as you’ve got your photo … keep playing a while longer.  We helped you out by looking lovely, so the least you can do is to thank us with a bit of proper play time.  Nobody likes to be teased.

I woke you nice and early this morning to point out that your great smells too.  Now, let’s get breakfast.

Whilst many a book has been written to describe and explain our behaviours, whims and wishes, none has proven worthy of our superior complexity.  However, if you are intent on seeking enlightenment, we recommend Comic & Curious Cats by Martin Leman.

And don’t even get us started on the vet!  They smell funny.  They poke, prod and spike us.  They weigh us – rude.  They’re the reason those horrible little carrier-cages exist.  There’s only one waiting room with no class hierarchy segregation – we’re forced to wait in the same room as dogs, for goodness sake! Downright bad eggs.  We no like.

That sparkly shiny tree you put up for us once a year – now THAT’S proper fun.  We should do this more often.

We put toys under the fridge so you can join in!

We swear to use every available curtain, cupboard top, shelf, and valuable item in order to save you from that fly.

Changing the bedding is quality time.  It’s something we should do more of.  Admit it – we always make you laugh eventually.

We really do love you.  Yes, we can be aloof.  Yes, we can be brats and divas.  But you’re our person – you know we like our chin and chops scrambled, just so.  You know when it’s safe to touch the belly.  You adore and cherish us (NOTE: there’s always room for more), and speak of us as a member of your family – not ‘just’ a pet.

Have I 🐱have missed anything from this list of things our humans need to know? Please add it in the comments box below…

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